"Kuzco’s the Real Villain, Fight Me"

Episode 1: “Kuzco’s the Real Villain, Fight Me”

Welcome to the very first episode of Moose On The Loose — the podcast where we grab whatever idea makes us laugh and run with it at full speed. Sometimes it’s deep, sometimes it’s dumb, sometimes it’s way too dramatic — and today we are here to deliver the ultimate hot take: Kuzco from The Emperor’s New Groove is the real villain of the story.

We kick things off with some light banter about who we are, how this whole podcast happened, and why we think it’s a good idea to spend half an hour passionately defending cartoon characters. Then we set the scene for today’s mission: to prove, once and for all, that Yzma — yes, the purple-clad, potion-mixing “villain” with the best secret lab entrance in cinematic history — was actually right to try to take Kuzco down.

In Segment 1: The Case for Yzma, one of us goes full courtroom drama, laying out a case that Yzma is secretly the hero of the story. We bring in “evidence”: Kuzco was a terrible emperor, ready to destroy Pacha’s village for his pool, llamas aren’t so bad, and anyone who has a henchman who makes spinach puffs that good can’t be all evil. The other host interrupts, protests, and tries to poke holes in the argument — but may secretly be swayed by the sheer power of our case.

Then it’s time for Segment 2: Debate & Rebuttal. Both of us dig in for an open back-and-forth, assigning ourselves the roles of prosecutor and defence attorney for maximum drama. This is where the gloves come off. We argue, cross-examine, and get increasingly ridiculous about why Kuzco deserved his llama fate. It all ends with a mock jury check — did anyone actually change their mind, or are we just yelling for the fun of it?

In Segment 3: Game Time – Snog, Marry, Avoid, things go off the rails completely. Our options: Kuzco, Yzma, and Kronk. We each have to reveal who we’d snog, who we’d marry, and who we’d avoid — and defend our answers like it’s a life-or-death decision. Then we throw in bonus rounds with other Disney villains and heroes, which somehow makes everything even more chaotic.

Finally, we wrap it all up with a verdict: was anyone convinced that Yzma was the good guy? Did we manage to prove Kuzco is the real villain, or are we just out here defending a cartoon coup because we think it’s funny? We thank listeners for joining us, tease that the next episode could be about literally anything (because that’s the point), and sign off — leaving you to think about which Disney character you’d pick in a game of Snog, Marry, Avoid.

If you like pop culture debates, Kronk impressions, chaotic energy, and the joy of overanalyzing movies you loved as a kid, this is the episode for you. We’re not here to just rewatch Disney classics — we’re here to pick them apart, laugh until we cry, and maybe convince you that Yzma wasn’t evil, she was efficient.

So grab your spinach puffs, keep your hands and hooves inside the ride, and get ready to fight us — because Kuzco’s the real villain.

Transcript

00:00.97
Jasmin
So I'm just thinking, how did Yzma come across, like Yzma, hideous beyond all reason, come across Cronk, hottie with the body, make spinach puffs for days?

00:13.56
Jasmin
Like how would they have even got together? And I feel like she was probably just heaps horny. you know what i mean? and

00:21.28
Cherie
Well, Crunch does a very bad sensation.

00:21.86
Jasmin
Like can and you only watch kid's movie, you don't realise there's a horny old lady in it.

00:29.10
Cherie
Maybe his spinach puffs were just really that good too. i mean.

00:34.03
Jasmin
You think she was having sex with his spinach puffs. What's just wrong with you?

00:40.75
Cherie
not what I meant. I don't know.

00:48.07
Jasmin
So, I don't know, that was just like a side thought. That was sort of separate from um the actual case I was making for um But I'm on actually making the case for Yzma's the worst. Did you also start saying why she's the worst or did you want to at least um No, no, I'm saying why she's she's better.

01:08.07
Cherie
I was like,

01:08.27
Jasmin
Did you want to tell me why she's the worst or why she's the best?

01:11.69
Cherie
look, I mean, i i think you just, you tell me all of the things. This is why she's the this is why she's the best. in ola I'm going to reserve my judgment.

01:24.48
Cherie
I'm going to reserve my judgment because this and some there's some things.

01:25.02
Jasmin
All right.

01:30.27
Jasmin
I'm going to with just the obvious here. Kuzco, she's just better by default. Kuzco tried to kill everyone.

01:40.94
Jasmin
He tried to wipe out a village to build his summer, you know, palace. um He wouldn't feed anyone. He threw people at the window if they asked for food and interrupted his groove.

... (rest of transcript continues with all "Chibbs" replaced by "Jasmin")